Life: "The Ghosts of Past Relationships: How They Are Secretly Sabotaging Your Marriage"
Emotional Synergy Part 7
I've always valued dating relationships, though I only had two that were significant before meeting Nancy.
The first was a high school crush on a girl who didn't believe the rumors about my supposed arrogance. She mostly pursued me, which solved my shyness problem! We had great fun together, and while I wasn't naming our future children, I thought we might have a future—until she broke up with me out of nowhere: "I think it's time for us to go in different directions."
What did that even mean? Like a typical teenage boy, I pretended it didn't bother me, but inside I was crushed. I allowed myself to feel the hurt and pain of what felt like betrayal. I wanted to be angry with her but couldn't manage to sustain it.
My second relationship came during college, about a year before meeting Nancy. I spotted this girl during fall registration and was instantly smitten—she was beautiful and sweet. It took until second semester before I asked her out (okay, I had a friend ask for me—fear of rejection again!).
We dated that spring and arranged to see each other occasionally over summer. As August approached, I was more excited about returning to school than ever before. We would be together again—except we weren't. Two weeks before classes started she called and broke things off. Not exactly "going in different directions," but close enough. Devastated again. Same hurt. Same pain.
This time, I swore off serious relationships completely. I vowed never to take the same girl out twice. No more emotional investment. Period.
Then came relationship number three—a blind date I was certain would be torture, but I went as a favor to my roommate's girlfriend. That night, I stood in the TCU freshman girls' dorm lobby and watched the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen step off the elevator, walk toward me, and say, "Hi, I'm Nancy. You must be Kim."
After taking her back to her dorm that night, I faced a dilemma: Would I break my "never a second date" rule that had "protected" me for a year and a half? I waited three whole weeks...then asked her out again.
How did my previous heartbreaks affect my relationship with Nancy? Two major ways. First, though I was falling for her, I kept my guard up. I hesitated to fall completely in love—what if the problem in relationships was ME, and Nancy eventually broke up with me too? Second, I refused to say "I love you" first. I'd been the first to say it in both previous relationships, and somehow believed that triggered their endings. So I approached our relationship with these protective barriers firmly in place.
As a counselor, I've seen countless couples where past relationships bleed into current marriages. Take Marsha and Joe. Before Joe, Marsha had been in two serious relationships where both men cheated on her—one with her best friend. Joe seemed different, and gradually Marsha built trust. They married, but about two years in, Marsha became convinced Joe was cheating.
Her evidence? Sometimes he didn't answer calls or texts. He worked late more often. He seemed tired, and their physical relationship had declined. Every time Marsha confronted him, Joe denied any infidelity, insisting he loved her and would never hurt her that way. But Marsha couldn't believe him. Joe increasingly dreaded coming home to constant accusations.
When they started counseling, their marriage was on life support. After meeting with them individually and together, I knew Joe was telling the truth. I also knew Marsha needed to take a risk. During one session, I told her I understood her fear. I knew she loved Joe and wanted their marriage, but she was terrified of being hurt again. The question was whether that marriage was worth risking her heart again.
It wasn't easy, and it took time, but Marsha chose trust. Today, seven years later, they have a strong marriage and two beautiful children. The past nearly destroyed them. Fear and doubt almost won—but they didn't.
I've counseled couples struggling with finances because one partner had previously been with someone who literally stole from them. Others dealt with controlling relationships and couldn't establish healthy partnerships. Still others faced the aftermath of abuse, pornography addiction, or infidelity.
Whatever you've experienced, healing is possible. Don't let your past continue influencing your marriage today.
Your Turn: Break the Chain of Past Relationship Wounds
Take a moment this week to reflect on how your previous relationships might be influencing your current marriage. Ask yourself:
What defense mechanisms did I develop from past heartbreaks that I might still be using?
Like Marsha, am I projecting old fears onto my current spouse without sufficient evidence?
What would it look like to choose trust instead of fear in my relationship today?
Share your insights in the comments. Remember, "healing is possible" when we consciously choose not to let our past dictate our present.